How to Let Go of What You Can’t Control (2025)

True freedom and well-being lie in relinquishing the need for control, embracing the present moment, and cultivating inner resilience in the face of life’s inevitable challenges.

How To Let Go

Letting go of negative emotions and experiences involves releasing stored disturbances from the mind, leading to a state of inner peace and well-being.

Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable. Discomfort is inevitable, and thrashing against it only prolongs the suffering.

Accept that you will feel pain and discomfort, but know that you can handle it.

Acceptance is Key

Letting go is fundamentally about acceptance.

That means acknowledging, “Okay, this is what’s happening right now, and I can’t control it. It is what it is.”

When you reach that mindset, something powerful happens: the stress starts to fade.

In fact, one of the best ways to reduce stress in a difficult situation is simply to accept that situation for what it is​

By accepting, you stop adding extra emotional friction. You’re no longer blaming yourself, cursing fate, or anxiously trying to change something unchangeable – all of which generate stress.

Acceptance isn’t a one-time switch, but with practice it allows you to release stress rather than generate it.

Instead of avoiding feelings of discomfort or embarrassment, try to handle the feeling itself. Resisting feelings only makes them persist.

It’s like exhaling a deep breath you didn’t realize you were holding.

This doesn’t mean you like what’s happening or that you won’t take action where you can; it just means you’re not fighting reality in that moment.

For example, if you’re stuck in a traffic jam (an uncontrollable event), acceptance would be saying “I guess I’ll be late, and that’s that,” instead of tensely honking, yelling, and stewing in anger.

You then focus on what you can do (maybe call ahead to say you’ll be late, or use the time to listen to a podcast) and let go of the rest.

The situation remains the same, but your mental state becomes much calmer.

Surrender Takes Courage and Trust

Truly letting go of control can be frightening, because it means facing uncertainty and our own vulnerabilities.

It takes courage to say “I can’t control this, and I’m going to be okay with that.”

Surrendering is about confronting our deepest fears and choosing to trust ourselves (and sometimes a higher plan or other people) to handle whatever comes​.

It’s not about blind faith that “everything will magically be fine” – it’s about confidence in your own resilience and adaptability.

You’re effectively telling yourself: “I will deal with things as they happen, rather than exhausting myself trying to control every twist and turn in advance.”

This mindset shift is empowering. It transforms surrender into an act of strength rather than weakness.

You may still feel fear – that’s normal – but you don’t let that fear dictate your actions.

Instead, you acknowledge it and move forward anyway. In this way, surrendering control is actually a journey of self-discovery and self-empowerment​.

You learn that you are capable of handling more than you thought, and that you can find peace even amid uncertainty.

Remember that Everything is Temporary (embrace impermanence)

A lot of our distress in life comes from holding onto the idea that things must stay a certain way.

Remind yourself that life is constantly changing – and that’s okay.

Trying to hold on with rigid expectations will only lead to disappointment and stress when things inevitably change​.

Instead, practice viewing change as a natural part of life.

When a situation isn’t going the way you expected, tell yourself something like, “Alright, this is different than I planned, but change is the only constant. Let’s see what I can do with the way things are now.”

By accepting the impermanent nature of circumstances, you actually find more freedom in each moment.​

Embracing impermanence also means cherishing the present because we recognize things can change.

This attitude makes it easier to let go, because we understand that trying to freeze life in place is impossible.

Letting Go vs. Giving Up

By now, you might be wondering:

If we stop trying to control everything, isn’t that the same as just giving up?

Will our life fall apart?

It’s important to understand that surrendering control is not the same as being passive or indifferent.

There’s a big difference between giving up (out of hopelessness) and letting go or surrendering (out of wisdom and acceptance).

People often equate letting go with passivity or giving up. They fear that surrendering control means abandoning responsibilities or desires.

Letting go is releasing the need to control the uncontrollable. It’s saying, “I’ll do my best with the things I can influence, but I unburden myself from worrying about the rest.”

It’s a strategic choice, not a failure.

In essence, you continue to care and take action where it counts, but you mentally detach from the outcomes that are beyond your direct control.

This detachment can feel like a weight off your shoulders.

Witness Consciousness as a Foundation for Relaxation

Witness consciousness and relaxation are deeply interconnected concepts, offering a powerful approach to managing your inner world and achieving a greater sense of peace and well-being.

Witness consciousness, at its core, involves developing the ability to observe your thoughts and emotions without getting entangled in them.

It’s about creating a detached perspective, a “seat of consciousness,” from which you can watch your inner world unfold.

Relaxation, in this context, isn’t about forcing your mind or emotions to be still, but rather about allowing them to surface without resistance, while you maintain your seat of awareness.

In essence, witness consciousness and relaxation are two sides of the same coin. Witness consciousness provides the foundation for relaxation, while relaxation deepens your ability to cultivate witness consciousness.

By practicing these techniques, you can transform your relationship with your inner world and experience a greater sense of freedom, peace, and well-being.

1. Creating Distance: The Space for Stillness

The sense of “self” can get lost when consciousness is absorbed in a thought. Witness consciousness helps create a buffer between you and your thoughts or emotions.

Without this space, every mental event feels like a direct hit, triggering reactions and preventing any sense of inner stillness.

It is normal for human beings to be drowning in a sea of emotions, but witness consciousness allows you to step outside the water.

Witness consciousness teaches you that you don’t have to experience these mental events fully.

By creating that distance, you’re no longer in the thought; you’re simply aware of it.

2. Objective Observation: Seeing Thoughts as Transient

The act of judging prevents objectivity.

Witness consciousness encourages you to observe thoughts/emotions without judgment.

You realise you’re always the witness. This detachment allows you to see thoughts as temporary.

Just like clouds passing in the sky, thoughts arise, linger, and dissipate.

This understanding prevents you from getting stuck, because instead of saying “I am anxious,” you acknowledge, “I’m experiencing anxiety.”

By labeling what you feel, you create a bit of distance from it. This is a mindfulness technique – observing your thoughts and feelings without being swept away by them​.

3. Awareness of “What Is”: Accepting the Present Moment

If you are not aware, you will be lost in your thoughts.

With witness consciousness, you are aware of your thoughts, emotions, and sensations without any resistance.

This awareness is important because resistance only amplifies the intensity of these experiences.

By accepting what is happening in the present moment, you reduce inner conflict.

You can then state, “Yep, I see what’s going on in there”.

4. The Practice of Relaxation:

Emotions can feel overwhelming and cause lasting marks.

By relaxing in the face of your emotions, you create the space for them to pass through you without leaving those marks.

It’s like allowing a wave to wash over you, rather than trying to hold it back.

Releasing resistance: allowing energy to flow

Noticing and Not Doing: The Art of Non-Interference

There’s no need to DO anything.

Witness consciousness is about recognising your thoughts and emotions without trying to fix them.

It’s about cultivating a state of non-interference, where you simply observe what arises without getting involved.

This requires a willingness to let go of the need to control your inner experience and trust that thoughts and emotions will naturally pass.

Relaxing the Body: Grounding in the Physical

If your body is not relaxed, it will be hard to stay in the seat of consciousness.

Consciously relaxing your body can support witness consciousness.

This involves paying attention to areas where you tend to hold tension.

This physical relaxation can help to quiet your mind and create a greater sense of inner peace.

Centering on Breath: Anchoring in the Present

One way to get out of your head is to focus on your breath.

Focusing on the breath can bring you back to the present moment. The steady rhythm of your breath can serve as an anchor, grounding you in the here and now.

When you notice your mind wandering, gently redirect your attention back to your breath.

Lean Away and Relax: Creating Space

It is helpful to ‘lean away’ and relax from what disturbs you.

Rather than getting pulled in the direction of what’s disturbing you, create some distance.

This creates a space, allowing it to pass.

When you feel resistance, relax into it. This is like yoga, where you relax into an uncomfortable asana.

Physically relax your body.

Relax your shoulders, tummy, and buttocks. If you tense up again, relax again.

Letting Go: Surrendering to the Flow

You’re going to be aware, you might as well let go.

It is also important to let go of your thoughts and emotions.

This means not getting into them, not analysing them, and not blaming anyone for them.

It’s about surrendering to the flow of your inner experience, trusting that everything is unfolding as it should.

You learn to let go by being willing to let them go.

Results of Letting Go:

1. Transcendence: Identifying with Awareness You are not your thoughts. Witness consciousness allows you to transcend your personal self. By stepping back from your thoughts and emotions, you begin to identify with the consciousness that is aware of them. This is the purpose of letting go.
2. Clarity: Seeing What To Do With witness consciousness you will understand more than 99% of the people on Earth because you will be aware of your thoughts and emotions. Relaxation brings you to the present moment with clarity, and helps you see what to do.
3. Freedom: Releasing Limitations By relaxing, you are able to unleash your inner freedom. Witness consciousness teaches you that you do not need to be limited by your thoughts or emotions.
4. Inner Peace: Dissolving Distractions The purpose of meditation is to know that everything is happening is outside of you. This is because you stop getting distracted by your stuff. With witness consciousness, you will find a greater sense of inner peace.
5. Equanimity: Remaining Centred Amidst Chaos You become more relaxed and accepting of the world around you. This practice enables you to remain calm, steady, and centred, regardless of what’s happening around you. You become the centered clear being that all changes are under.
6. Non-Reactivity: Responding Instead of Reacting Witness consciousness teaches you to respond instead of react. Reacting doesn’t get you anywhere. As you step back, it gets quieter naturally.

Important Considerations:

• Not a Quick Fix: Letting go is a process, not a one-time event. It requires consistent effort and a willingness to confront uncomfortable emotions.
• Experiencing Emotions: Letting go does not mean suppressing or denying emotions. It means allowing yourself to fully experience them without resistance, so they can pass through you.
• Professional Help: If you are struggling with deep-seated trauma or emotional issues, seeking professional help from a therapist or counsellor may be beneficial.

Why we struggle to let go of control

We struggle to let go of control for a multitude of interconnected reasons, primarily rooted in our inherent desire to feel safe and secure.

This struggle manifests as resistance to what is, a clinging to how we believe things should be.

Ultimately, the difficulty in letting go of control stems from deep-seated psychological conditioning, fear-based ego protection, and misunderstandings about surrender.

1. The Illusion of Control and the Fear of the Unknown:

• A Constructed Reality: We build up an internal “model of reality” based on past experiences and influences. This model creates an expectation of how things should be, and we feel the need to manipulate the external world to match this internal blueprint.
• Comfort Zones: We create mental “comfort zones” where we feel in control and safe. The world, however, doesn’t fit neatly into these zones, and its unpredictability triggers fear and anxiety.
• Fear of Disturbance: The need for control arises from a deep-seated fear that external events will cause “disturbance” inside us. We try to manage people, places, and things to avoid these internal disruptions.
• Addiction to a Comfortable World: We become “addicted” to the world being a certain way, where we feel comfortable and avoid discomfort. This addiction drives us to try and manipulate our surroundings.

2. Past Experiences and Trauma:

Our personal history plays a big role. If you’ve been through chaotic or hurtful experiences in the past, you may hold onto control as a survival strategy.

Think about those pivotal moments – dealing with trauma, loss, or periods of chaos can intensify the desire to hold on to control as tightly as possible​.

In many ways, it’s like trying to create a personal bubble of security when the world feels threatening or unpredictable.

For instance, victims of chronic trauma often develop an overwhelming urge to control their surroundings after feeling powerless for so long​.

It’s a self-protective response – “If I can control everything around me, I won’t get hurt again.”

While understandable, this can lead to hyper-vigilance and difficulty trusting others or adapting to change.

3. The Ego’s Quest for Control and Validation:

• The Protector Ego: The ego is a psychological construct that serves to protect our sense of self from perceived threats. It relies on control to maintain its sense of security and self-importance, often creating elaborate defence mechanisms to shield us from vulnerability and pain.
• Conditional Strength: We seek strength and validation from external sources, such as power, success, or the approval of others. However, this strength is conditional and collapses when those external supports disappear. True strength comes from within, from the ability to face our fears and embrace our vulnerabilities.
• Clinging to the Self-Concept: We cling to a particular self-concept, defined by roles, achievements, and external validation. Letting go of control threatens this self-concept, leading to fear and resistance. We may resist change, new experiences, or anything that challenges our carefully constructed identity.

How Over-Controlling Can Lead to Stress

Over-controlling behaviour is a maladaptive strategy for coping with uncertainty and fear.

While it may provide a temporary illusion of security, it ultimately leads to increased stress, anxiety, and a diminished quality of life.

The more we strive to control our external environment, the more we become controlled by our internal anxieties and fears.

The act of trying to control creates a vicious cycle of resistance and tension, ultimately diminishing our sense of well-being.

It can manifest as muscle tension, headaches, digestive problems, and a general sense of being uptight.

1. The Imposition of a Personal Reality onto an Uncooperative World:

Over-controlling individuals often operate under the assumption that the universe “should” conform to their desires and expectations.

They develop a rigid internal model of how things “ought” to be, and any deviation from this model is met with resistance and frustration.

However, the world is inherently unpredictable and uncontrollable. This fundamental mismatch between expectation and reality creates a constant state of tension and pressure.

Wanting to get what you want and avoid what you don’t want is the worst disease one can get. You will never be okay. If it isn’t the way you want, you get uptight.

The inability to handle any moment that you are in makes you worry and tense. Rather than experiencing the current moment fully, individuals are caught up in resisting its reality, which generates inner turmoil.

The “shoulds” that you place on the world are the reason it doesn’t work. If you go out there and try to make the universe the way you want it, you are going to make a mess of yourself. The universe doesn’t care about you, it handled dinosaurs and supernovas, so don’t worry about it. Don’t try to make the world behave.

Worry and suffering are the constant inward state of believing something is going to go wrong or you won’t get what you need.

2. The Creation of a “Cage” of Fear and Worry:

Over-controlling behaviour is often fuelled by a deep-seated fear of uncertainty.

Individuals fear that things they don’t want to happen will happen, or that things they do want won’t come to fruition. This creates a pervasive sense of anxiety and dread.

By dwelling on these fears, individuals essentially construct a “cage” of their own making, trapping themselves in a cycle of worry and tension.

They become preoccupied with anticipating potential threats and devising strategies to prevent them, which consumes vast amounts of mental and emotional energy.

You defeat yourself when you expect to be okay only when things are the way that you want.

Everyone has control issues to some degree.

3. The Cycle of Manipulation and Suppression:

Over-controlling individuals often attempt to manipulate the world around them to mitigate their anxiety.

This can involve trying to control the behavior of others, micromanaging situations, or engaging in elaborate planning to minimize potential risks.

When external manipulation proves insufficient, individuals may resort to suppressing their own emotions.

This involves pushing down unwanted feelings, such as fear, anger, or sadness, to maintain a façade of control.

We typically suppress emotions that we “couldn’t handle” at the time they arose. Perhaps we were too young, too scared, or lacked the resources to process the experience fully.

This creates a tendency to resist uncomfortable feelings, either by pushing them away or clinging to pleasurable ones.

However, suppressing emotions is not a sustainable strategy.

Suppressed emotions do not simply disappear; instead, they become stored within the psyche, creating internal blockages and contributing to increased stress and anxiety.

If you store everything that ever disturbed you, then you inevitably become disturbed.

These stored emotions—sometimes described as “garbage” or “samskaras”—create patterns that influence our thoughts, emotions, and reactions, often without our conscious awareness.

They can distort our perceptions, trigger defensive behaviors, and prevent us from fully engaging in the present moment.

The more emotional baggage we accumulate, the heavier our burden becomes, making it increasingly difficult to let go and move forward.

This blockage prevents the natural flow of energy within us, leading to feelings of stagnation, disconnection, and dis-ease.

Where our attention goes, energy flows. By resisting or clinging to something, we keep it alive and empower it. Conversely, by releasing our attention, we allow it to dissipate and lose its hold on us.

When a thought or emotion arises, it creates a “pull” on our consciousness. Resisting this pull is like engaging in a tug-of-war, which only strengthens the connection and drains our energy.

True freedom lies in dropping the rope—releasing our resistance and allowing the energy to pass through us without attachment.

Trying to control the world around us is like jumping into a lake and trying to smooth out the ripples; the action creates more ripples. Similarly, our attempts to control often create unintended consequences and exacerbate the very problems we are trying to solve.

This cycle ultimately leads to neurosis because we live in an alternate reality that is out of harmony with actual reality, causing tension, anxiety, and pressure.

For something to have power over us, it must be attached at both ends, with us holding one side.

By letting go, we release ourselves from this destructive cycle.